Vibes & Energy

We meet people everyday, how do you form a bond with a person? I go off the vibe I get from a person,people give off vibes and energy and may not even know it.

When I was in my early 20’s I didn’t pay those things any attention and things happened back to back. I mean shit on top of shit, I was like I gotta have the worst luck ever. I met a lady or should I say a lady met me. I would be in Walmart and we would always cross paths, and she would say things in passing. He isn’t the one for you, people have two faces and so forth it would scare me to the point where I would get my palm read.

I’m very superstitious and yes I believe in dark magic. I burn sage throughout my house, I lay salt across my front door, I have coffee grinds in a sock in my dresser drawer, I have dream catchers throughout my house, yes I believe. Anyway after getting my palm read I went home and I just sat and thought about what was told to me. Then I made a few small changes within my life. I got my 1st divorce and cut a few people out of my life. Slowly things began to change, you know they say you attract what energy you give off, and at the time I was giving off negative energy and that’s just what was brought into my life.

As time went on, I met a young lady that could read cards. So of course I got my cards read. The two things she said to me that stood out was, the man you are with isn’t your knight and the move you plan to make isn’t the best one. Boy oh boy was she right. I feel all things are in the eyes and minds of the believer, but be mindful of the vibes and energy you give off. If you should ever come in contact with me, you will see I give off nothing but good vibes and energy despite me not smiling all the time.

People will enter your life for a number of reasons at the oddest of times, but look back on those moments and find the lesson that was taught to you. I have a friend that I met for the very first time in 2007, and I mean it was odd. We later became Facebook friends. If you saw the way we act around each other you would think we’ve grown up together. We shared each others highs and lows by phone and messages. We saw each other again face to face spring break of 2017 and the bond has gotten even closer. We connected on a spiritual level, and for that she is and will always be my spiritual sistah. Life will try to take you down, but it’s up to you and those closest to you to keep you grounded. Be blessed

You Don’t Pay Me Enough…

On the days that I come to work and get kicked, swung at or even cursed at in the back of my mind I say, “you don’t pay me enough for this bullshit.” I work as an Interventionist for 3rd grade this year. My passion is to one day become a special education teacher. I’ve put this off long enough and it’s about time that I faced my calling rather than to continue to run away from it.

Teachers and Educational (teacher’s) aides catch hell everyday all day, but some parents don’t see the problem. They are the problem, how you treat your child at home is how they will act at school. No, they can’t hit their parent back, so they come to school and hit another student and or teacher. They can’t curse their parent out, so they come to school to do it. 9 times out of 10 when a student misbehaves in class something is going on at home, the child is being bullied, and or the child can’t read.

I enjoy working with students that fall into those categories, It’s a challenge but I know each day will be different. I’ve been kicked, spit on, punched, pushed, and called every name in the book. Each one of those students are now my “best friends” granted I had to restrain them. I tell each student no matter the age, when I say good morning, I should hear it back. If it’s a class of 10 I need to hear 10 voices, my older kids have a mini boot camp session when they misbehave. jumping jacks, running in place and walking in a straight line. I teach my babies discipline and structure, because they already have a problem with authority (parents).

I allow the parents to observe their child and watch them turn up, and then they see how I redirect their child. As parents we want to give in to our children to keep them happy, but in the long run we are hurting them. Each one of my children know the rules, if i have to leave from where every I’m at because you want to act an ass at school, I will beat your ass in the same place. No questions straight on sight…

Parents expect for the teachers and teachers aide to do everything, but it starts at home. trust me none of us get paid enough to try to duck from getting hit. I for one know damn sure I don’t, but the difference between me and several others is I let them know out the gate. Your attitude compared to mine won’t get you far, you will go from 0 to 100, but I will go 0 to 2000 and give out all the free smoke. They laugh about it and quickly see my nice mama voice turns into a “mean mama” voice. I have to tell teachers if you know said student reacts this way, why come at them in an aggressive manner?

I’ve watched many videos of students hitting teachers, cursing them out, or even teachers fighting back. What do you want us to do when we’ve told the principal, written the student up, and spoke with the parent? When you see a teacher fighting back, that teacher has had enough and said fuck this job. I live and work in South Carolina and when I say I don’t get paid enough, I mean just that. The pay here sucks and that is one of the reasons I’ve put off becoming a Special Education Teacher it’s not worth it, but when I see former students I’ve help redirect their anger and aggression that shows me I am doing something right. My goal is to get licensed in South Carolina but to take my skills and my passion to the West Coast. Parents when you meet your child’s teacher listen to how they speak about your child, look at their classroom. Always remember some teach because of their passion, while others teach fro a check. #iteach

People Pleaser…

When you think about life and the things that hold you back, what do you come up with? Random thoughts about what might happen, what others may think or say, or how would this look to others. You need to start asking yourself how would it make ME feel, how would I look doing this, or what do I think the outcome would be.

Start to think more in Me/I terms and you will enjoy life a little bit more. Walking around trying to be a people pleaser, when the one person that needs to be pleased is suffering. You are holding yourself back from being who you truly are, let go of the thoughts about what others may say and start living for YOU.

It took me getting my second divorce to say fuck it I’m doing me. I stayed for as long as I did for a number of reasons and one of those reasons being, I didn’t want people to judge me after getting another divorce. I walked away from my husband in 2007, but didn’t legally “leave” him until Nov. 2015. Since that I told myself I’m doing me, fuck who doesn’t like it.

Each year I gain more strength to do the things I’ve put off worrying about how others might react. Oh well, I’m happy my children are happy and healthy so it’s all good. I am married for the third time, third times a charm.. LOL

While you’re out there trying to please others, who’s trying to please you? It could be a person clear in front of you, but you can’t see them through the cloud you have placed on your head. Take a step back and ask for random things and see how many people come through for you. How many of those same people will go above and beyond for you the way you do for them? If that number is less the the amount of people you are pleasing, you need to fall back and push the fuck on through. Never allow a person to take advantage of your kindness, or to use it as a weakness. Learn to say
NO, Hell NO, Fuck NO, NO Got damn it… Give others the same energy they give you if they could care less about what you are in need of, then it’s only right for you to have 0 fucks about what they need.

Relax-Release-Rejuvenate Good Vibes Only

Fuck Boi…

What is a fuck boi you say, a fuck boi is one that is weak or contemptible man, a man who has many sexual partners. Better word for some of you a womanizer… In today’s society they seem to be poppin up everywhere and I mean everywhere.

Fuck boi’s will appear to be a man when he’s really just out to use you. They have several children, but can’t take care of any. They will use sex as a way to keep you, mind games and all types of dumb shit. Yeah! I met a fuck boi an time or two, but you know what they say, “game recognize game.”

Ladies, if you shall ever come across a fuck boi, run and I mean run. LOL… If they come in your path, and they see that you are a strong independent woman they will run. Fuck boi’s don’t like a woman that they can’t run over. Ladies stand tall and understand your worth. No fuck boi’s allowed.

Living Lyfe

Lyfe is what you make it they say, live your life they say, but the say a lot but do they really mean it? You will meet people who tell you to live for you, and to please yourself. Once you begin to do just that, those same people tend to have a problem with you doing just what they said.

In July I will be turning 40, such a milestone for me. As I reflect on my past I start to realize, I’ve done a lot in my lyfe to make those around me happy. Taking control of how you do things for others is a very hard task. It took me some time but I think I got it now. Once you sit and ask yourself, who really has you when you’re in need? Then you will realize you need to stop making yourself “too” available for others.

When someone is in need they call you can I borrow, I need, do you have, do you know someone, can you see if you can do/get such and such for me. Well hell can you ask those same people to do the same for you? Remember asking is one thing but them doing for you is another. Learn to pull yourself away from those who only need you for the better of themselves. Granted everyone needs someone, but if you won’t gain anything from the help you give be mindful of just that. Everyone comes into your lyfe for a season and for a reason. Learn the lesson that will be taught to you and grow.

Transparency part 3: Endometriosis

Baby when you talk about pain talk about endometriosis. Endometriosis is
is when the tissue that makes up the uterine lining (the lining of the womb) is present on other organs inside your body. Endometriosis is usually found in the lower abdomen, or pelvis, but can appear anywhere in the body. Women with endometriosis often have lower abdominal pain, pain with periods, or pain with sexual intercourse, and may report having a hard time getting pregnant.

It will show it’s ugly face in each woman differently but it all comes down to pain. After giving birth to my second daughter things took a turn. It went from me cramping on my cycle, to me not being able to walk or move day 1 of my cycle. I began to have to take pain pills because the pain was that bad, i would have to be put out of work for at least 3 days due to the pain. I missed orders to change commands because I was limited duty.

I would go back and forth to the doctor for the pain, all they kept doing was pushing pain pills on to me the next stronger than the last. I got to a point where I was like enough is enough. Painful during my cycle, I walked around in pain. It was painful to have sex and even after. I would rather give natural birth again rather than have sex. so you know it was very painful. I asked my doctor all my options because I’ve done them all. I was on the pill, had an IUD, on the patch, on Depo, placed into medical-menopause nothing helped. I told them if I had a hysterectomy then problem solved. It took them some time to agree to it, mentally I’ve given up all hop on having a third child. I go in for all the lab work and all that good stuff. My nurse comes in the room and tells me she has good news and bad news for me, so I’m confused and I say what’s the bad news. She says we can’t move forward with your surgery, I’m looking confused and say so what’s the good news. All excited she says you’re pregnant I just stare. I’m happy but mentally I’ve given up so I’m in a daze of shock.

I have my third child and getting my tubes cut and burned my good friend endometriosis reminds me they are still there. Now the pain is on overload and they have me back on the patch. I check-in to my new command and 2 weeks later we are going underway for 3 moths. UGH! While on the deployment I begin to have clots, so I was sick for almost half the time I was out. It took until 2012 to say I can’t deal with this shit anymore. I have my 1st surgery which was a supracervical hysterectomy fancy word for removal of the uterus, I was left with a cervical stump. I also found out that no only did I have endometriosis I also had adnomiosis, pain on-top of pain. After my surgery I fell into a deep depression, I sent my kids to stay with my parents, I didn’t get out of bed, I didn’t shower, I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t answer the phone or reply to any messages. I felt less of a woman and I felt what man would want a woman who couldn’t give him a child. My mom and younger sister would come to my house and MAKE me get up and all that good stuff. My mom would have me walk around Walmart and Piggly Wiggly daily, just to get me up and out. At the time I hated that, but looking back I needed that.

Let’s fast forward, I bet you’re thing things began to look up for me since I had my uterus removed. Welp! guess again… I was still having pain during sex and it was at it’s all time high, pain when I got a pa smear. My VA doctor would take me back down the path of pain pills, creams, lotions, and different birth control before I had my 2nd surgery. March of 2018 I had a Salpingo-Oophorectomy, fancy way of saying removal of both fallopian tubes and right ovary. I had scared tissue from 2004, when I got my tubes cut and burned and the endometriosis had spread. After this surgery I couldn’t allow myself to fall into a depressive state I had to keep busy, and it was the same time I was writing my uncles obituary. Each day is different I am in the process of my 3rd and final surgery, due to my left ovary causing me pain and discomfort. I understand the fact that my doctors don’t want me to go into menopause at 39, but the way this pain is set-up I’ll take hot flashes any day. My body and natural smell has changed since my surgery in March. I know many women who suffer of either endometriosis, adnomiosis, or any other female issues. There is sunshine after the pain so ladies keep pushing and see it through. Blessings upon you and peace be with you.

Tolerance

When I look back on the things that has happened within my life, I take a deeper look at my tolerance level. Tolerance is the key to how others treat you and view you.

When I was in my early 20’s I had 0 tolerance for anything. You say the wrong thing, look at me funny, hell breathe to hard I was jumping on you. I was very aggressive and violent, it was a daily thing. I went to sleep mad and woke up mad. Mad at the world, as if everyone has did me wrong. It took me sometime to admit to myself that I needed help and that I had a problem. At that time people didn’t really want to be around me, out of fear of me jumping on them.

Once a person can admit to their self that they have a problem, that is the first step of mental well being. I’ve been in counseling many times, but I wasn’t ready for the help. My body would be there but my mind wouldn’t. I would just sit there looking and listening, while the counselor tried to engage me. I started working with children that had behavior issues, and one day i told my client in order to change the way you respond to an action you have to change the way you think. Ding! I told him something that was told to me, when I refused to engage. I heard what she was saying, but I just didn’t wish to speak with her. I then told myself I can’t help others if I don’t help myself first.

I have several reasons why I don’t engage when I first begin counseling: 1. Change, I don’t do well with change. 2. I don’t know you, I have to feel a person out before I engage them. 3. Social Worker, my time dealing with the VA I’ve seen many come and many go so I wait to see how long they will be there. 4. Retelling, I dislike having to retell my situation 5. Non-military, I dislike talking to someone that hasn’t served because while I’m reliving my trauma I have to stop and explain what a word means and it’s one of my triggers and I shut down.

Over time I have built my tolerance level up and granted I still don’t take any shit, but I don’t jump on a person I kill them with a smile and words. I have learned my triggers as well as ways to tolerate things, if I feel overwhelmed I know how to turn and walk away.

Working with a mental illness and chronic pain…

Mental illness is a very real thing, and is untalked about within the black community. Think back to growing up, and someone said oh don’t mind such and such he/she ain’t wrap to tight, or they off. Mental illness was always dismissed, looked over, or passed around.

If some people would take the time to speak with a person that lives with one, you would have a better understanding of what a day in their shoes would be like.

Mental illness doesn’t only affect the way a person thinks, or affects their way of life. Appetite, sleep, relationships, work, mood, and the list goes on. Working for me is my way to get out of the house, I have my days where I just don’t want to get up. Today I work up in pain with muscle spasms in my lower back. I got out of the bed long enough to go get my shot, I will try again tomorrow.

Some days I just want to walk away from my job and curl up in my bed, but I know staying home will increase my depression. An idle mind is a dangerous mind, so I wish to keep my mind busy.

This is a lite blog post for today, but I’ll be back and stronger than ever tomorrow.

Transparency part 2 PTSD

Not all wounds are visible, so be mindful of how you speak and treat others. Today is transparency part 2, for me and for the first time I will speak about living with PTSD.

What is Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, rape or other violent personal assault.

As I was last told by my VA doctor, I suffer with C-PTSD (chronic PTSD) due to me having multiple traumas. I know you’re like how much can one person take. I ask myself the same thing daily. Life for me has been an emotional rollercoaster. Well let me take you on this ride.

Let’s start trauma #1. Oct. 2000 my rape on my deployment. That left me with many mixed emotions. Trust, respect for the uniform and chain of command, guilt, shame, pain, and death. My attitude towards men in the uniform shifted, so did my work ethics. I told myself once I made from an E-2 anyone under me, would have my full support. I was an E-2 twice due to me going UA, out of fear of being rapped again. Shit happens you know, but I bounced back and made rank and kept my word to myself. I had my own demons that needed to be overcame, but later found that they clouded my vision. I began to have a bad temper and would act out violently, towards anyone who I felt threatened by. My kids fathers felt the raft more than once, not that they were wrong but because my patiences were short. I was very aggressive, easily irritated, and just didn’t tolerate any bullshit.

Trauma #2: On what would be my last deployment and soon end of my Naval career. In 2005 will pier side in Jordan a missile was launched at the ship I was stationed on. The sound of the alarms sent my heart into panic mode. My thoughts on that day was very clear, I have children (3) that I don’t even really know. I need to walk away and be a mother to my children. My mind was made up, but at the time I didn’t know the full effect of that day. Since that day I know longer kept a ringer on my phone, no loud alarm clock, flashing lights give me a migraine, and it triggered thoughts of my rape. Yes, I got of the Navy July 2006, and it was the best decision of my life.

Trauma #3: My 2nd marriage ended due to domestic violence and such a nasty thing. It’s easy for a person to tell a person to just leave, but has anyone stopped and ask why stay? A lot goes into a woman that stays, she may not have a plan B, she may not have family to help her, he may have control of all the money, so many factors go into why one stays. Image being asleep in the bed and the next thing you know is you are pulled out of bed and being dragged across the floor at 2 in the morning. Waking up to being hit in the face, pushed down stairs, locked out of your own house, having your car keys, money, and cards stolen by the man that says he loves you… Could I leave? No, not at the moment but what I did do was start to slowly move my babies things out of the house, I made a safety plan, and I started hiding money. So part one of my three part plan was complete, now on to part 2. I began to slowly move my things out of the house, and boom he noticed. That would be the fight of my life, I fell down the stairs and he began to kick me. Oh trust I was kicking while down, but he broke two ribs. Laying in the hospital I reached out to a hometown friend, and he is the reason I came home. I left EVERYTHING in that apartment. Do you know what it feels like to have to start all over, when you have been on your own since 18… I began to suffer with depression and in 2010 I tried to take my life. I was on the phone with an old friend and I was telling her I didn’t want to live anymore and I took a gang of pain pills. What I didn’t know was, that while she was on the phone talking to me she called 911. They got there I’m unsure as to how long, all I know is I woke up in the hospital with a nasty taste in my mouth. Since coming home I got rid of all pain pills and the ones I need I keep at my parents house, out of sight out of mind.

Over time I would have nice jobs, but I wouldn’t last. I have to sit in my car for at least 5 minutes before getting out to go anywhere, I always triple check my doors, check on my kids, always alert of my surroundings, if I can’t control my environment chances are I will not attend an event, if I need to go any place I need someone to go with me. Trust me it has been hard having active children, butI have a very supportive family so someone is available to go with me.

Lats but not least trauma #4: Oct. 2015 Sumter, SC the 1000 year flood. It rained so much and then it began to flood. My mom called me in the morning and asked me if I was good, she woke me so I was like ma it’s early. I looked at my phone and had 10 missed calls between my mom, and sisters. I go look outside and my yard is flooded, in a calm voice I tell my baby to pack somethings we going to nana house. I tried to make it fun for her and for her not to panic. we go “play” in the rain/water by moving my car and packing things. We leave our house and I ask her which way does she want to go to get there. She said the long way. which I’m glad I listened, as we passed the turn I usually make all cars are under water. As we make it close to my parents house, the water is rising. We make it there safely and in time 5 minutes after we got there all roads were flooded. I volunteered with Red Cross, walked in nasty water to get my sisters stuff out of her place, took donations and walked door to door to give out cleaning supplies to those in need. No one knew I lost everything in my home due to it fooding, and then to find out I lost everything in my storage. I felt defeated yet again, but I had to push through.

I enjoy working, but working with PTSD, Fibromyagia, and anxiety has at time gotten the best of me. Once I reach my breaking point I will walk away from any job at any given time. My passion is to work with youth that suffer with a mental illness, behavior issues, learning disabilities, or any special needs. It’s my passion to help them understand that granted they may be different, that they are still loved. I teach them how to cope with their anger, stress, and emotions. i teach them what I had to learn and do within myself. Each day I take a step towards healing and helping someone else. Since 2010 I haven’t had any other suicide attempts or thoughts no matter how down I get. I tell myself that I’m still here for a purpose and I haven’t completed my mission. Each day is a gift.

Transparency part 1 Fibromyalgia

Many may know my name but very few know my story. So today I am here to share a part of me with you, I know by sharing my story I can help someone else.

I live with fibromyalgia, which is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals. Know one really knows what causes fibromyalgia, but symptoms sometimes begin after a physical trauma, surgery, infection or significant psychological stress. In other cases, symptoms gradually accumulate over time with no single triggering event.

Now that everyone has a text book understanding of the condition let’s go. I was raped at 19 while serving on my 1st shipboard deployment in the Navy. After that day in October of 2000, my body has never been the same. I would begin to have muscle aches, joint aches, shoulder hurting and dislocating, sleeping different, bowel moments out of whack, attitude and behavior changes just to name a few. Over the time I would be back and forth to the doctor and they would say, “oh it’s only chronic pain” well duh.

It took me getting out of the Navy July of 2006 and going to a private doctor, for them to really read my military medical record to tell me that the Navy diagnosed me with fibromyalgia since 2001, here it is 2008. It’s safe to say that I am rated at 50% by the Department of Veterans affairs for it.

Life today, each day I wake up and I have to tell myself you can do it. I wake up with stiff joints and muscles, feeling tired and drained. It takes me longer to do something as simple as brushing my teeth, due to the energy it takes away from me. Simple things that you can do in know time, would take me a few minutes. I have days where I have brain fog everything seems so cloudy, I can remember but then I don’t. So if you ever see me writing the simplest thing down that’s why. Doing day to day things drain me, but I have to keep telling myself I got this no matter how long it may take. I’m always told if you do some exercise that would help. Well Mr. Smartass, it would also put me in a flare, give me more shortness of breathe, and drain all the little energy I do have. I walk from time time, but I can’t run to the gym and max out. Hell, push me the wrong way and I’ll have a bruise.

I live with multiple conditions that are due to my rape. For several years I allowed those conditions to hinder my life , I’ve told myself know more you are allowed to live. I had to set myself free from my mental prison, fear of this and fear of that. I live with not only fibromyalgia, but I also have PTSD, anxiety, endometriosis, bad ass sinus/allergy problems. Each day is a blessing and Throughout my blogs I will share and open up with you all. Apart of healing is sharing, I am on the journey of fully healing.