When I look back on the things that has happened within my life, I take a deeper look at my tolerance level. Tolerance is the key to how others treat you and view you.
When I was in my early 20’s I had 0 tolerance for anything. You say the wrong thing, look at me funny, hell breathe to hard I was jumping on you. I was very aggressive and violent, it was a daily thing. I went to sleep mad and woke up mad. Mad at the world, as if everyone has did me wrong. It took me sometime to admit to myself that I needed help and that I had a problem. At that time people didn’t really want to be around me, out of fear of me jumping on them.
Once a person can admit to their self that they have a problem, that is the first step of mental well being. I’ve been in counseling many times, but I wasn’t ready for the help. My body would be there but my mind wouldn’t. I would just sit there looking and listening, while the counselor tried to engage me. I started working with children that had behavior issues, and one day i told my client in order to change the way you respond to an action you have to change the way you think. Ding! I told him something that was told to me, when I refused to engage. I heard what she was saying, but I just didn’t wish to speak with her. I then told myself I can’t help others if I don’t help myself first.
I have several reasons why I don’t engage when I first begin counseling: 1. Change, I don’t do well with change. 2. I don’t know you, I have to feel a person out before I engage them. 3. Social Worker, my time dealing with the VA I’ve seen many come and many go so I wait to see how long they will be there. 4. Retelling, I dislike having to retell my situation 5. Non-military, I dislike talking to someone that hasn’t served because while I’m reliving my trauma I have to stop and explain what a word means and it’s one of my triggers and I shut down.
Over time I have built my tolerance level up and granted I still don’t take any shit, but I don’t jump on a person I kill them with a smile and words. I have learned my triggers as well as ways to tolerate things, if I feel overwhelmed I know how to turn and walk away.